This is an article my daughter wrote about breast cancer which touched my heart. It is worth reading and better than anything I could ever write. It was written from the heart. It is important to remember that the hurts we bear and suffer are not always obvious. We will perhaps never know or understand fully what another person endures because we don’t walk in their shoes and never will.
“”Dignity is The moment you realize God had greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or sad Pinterest quotes. It is the moment you stop comparing yourself to others because it undermines your worth, education and your parent’s wisdom. Dignity is the moment you live your dreams, not because of what it will prove or get you, but because that is all you want to do. People’s opinions don’t matter.” Shannon L. Alder
I read another post about the poison of GMOs, corn syrup, baby formula. One more post in an extensive news-feed. It is an opinion, and I can scroll past, but it feels like another not so subtle reminder of the “breast is best” undercurrent that permeates everything baby related. As a physician, I feel that breastfeeding is ideal. When I was a third-year resident and I had my first baby I was adamant about exclusively breastfeeding. I cried when my milk didn’t come in right away after a long induction. I also relished the fact that my newborn grew into a chubby, giggly infant and it was due to my own body. I pumped and breastfed, it was a blur of insomnia knowing that I would have to go back to work. I took time off and managed to keep a freezer full of breast milk in case my supply dropped off when I did go back. As a resident with overnight calls, I knew I couldn’t be sure how often I could pump, pagers go off, codes happen, patients, admissions, rapid responses, they don’t wait for pumping. I was determined, I continued to pump, overnight, sometimes in bathrooms, call rooms, it depended on how far of a walk, and which were occupied. I was determined to make the one year mark.
With my second child, I was an attending working part-time and it definitely went more smoothly. Somewhere around the fifth month, I noticed my supply dropping. I did everything I could but I had to supplement and I remember stopping around eight months. I was disappointed and heartbroken. I resigned myself to formula feeding and when I felt lumps in one breast I chalked it up to milk ducts.
That was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The fear was overwhelming and paralyzing, I could only think about my babies, a nine-month-old, and a two-year-old. It was biopsy after biopsy, ultrasound-guided, stereotypical, MRI guided. They saw abnormalities on the other side, and I had additional biopsies. I was waiting for surgery for final staging. I thought about how precious our time is and our health is. I opted for the bilateral mastectomy. It was a personal decision.
Fast forward almost four years, past a stage one diagnosis, a year of treatment and we were blessed with another beautiful healthy baby. It felt like a gift, directly from God, I have living breathing snuggly, proof that a very difficult time was over. Like all parents, I want the best for my baby, and I opted for formula.
The baby is happy, healthy, and then I have to question why the articles about poison formula make me so angry. Why do I want to wear a sign that says “I breastfed two babies and had breast cancer.” Why does it need an explanation, an excuse? Is it because I’m around educated moms that tend to exclusively breastfeed? I couldn’t figure out why I felt so much guilt taking out a bottle.
I thought about a particular conversation I had with a friend after diagnosis and her comment was “wow, I just couldn’t do it, make a decision and choose to have a mastectomy like that.” That was when I realized that this wasn’t something I chose. Everything was secondary to my family and health. So much worse happens to wonderful people who didn’t “choose” the situations they went through. With breastfeeding, we need to stop shaming women for situations that are beyond their control. So many women I know keep tally lists, they track things like how long they breastfed, if they supplemented, was it exclusive breastfeeding, bottle feeding, natural births, c-sections, epidurals, and the list could go on. Being a mother is hard work and no one chooses less than their best for their babies. Why do we compare so much? I doubt that fathers are asking each other how many games they attend, how many times they read before bed, or if their kids still crawled into their beds at night. Yet it’s “best” to read to children before bed, and it’s “best” to have a sleep schedule with children. If we want more moms to breastfeed, instead of assuming they made the choice to do less than “best” and making them feel guilty for it, maybe we should analyze the barriers to breastfeeding. The majority of mothers in this country start off breastfeeding and over time that number significantly drops. Why? Are there places to pump privately? Is there time off for breastfeeding, or does the day simply get extended? Is there maternity leave, paid time off, uninterrupted time, is it convenient at work?
How do we counsel moms in the hospital? Is it a one size fits all approach? Maybe a little formula before your supply kicks in is really okay. Maybe nipple confusion isn’t as large of a problem as it seems. I had a mother who breastfed for years, and if it wasn’t for her support I might not have breastfed as long as I did. The singular statement of “breast is best” has a finality to it that any alternative is giving your baby simply less. What if you don’t have breasts? I might be a minority but there are numerous reasons a mother might not exclusively breastfeed, medications, work schedules, supply issues, surrogates, mental health issues. I still think they’re doing their best. Not smoking is “best”, an hour a day of exercise is “best”, a healthy BMI is “best”, do we adhere to it? So why are we making so many mothers feel guilty if they don’t breastfeed?
I know lots of great moms taking awesome care of their kids, free-range, tiger moms, gluten-free, dairy-free, formula feeding, stay at home, working, helicopter, paleo, vegan, breast feeding mothers. I know they love their kids, I know they are doing their “best” every day.
“When you think yours is the only true path you forever chain yourself to judging others and narrow the vision of God. The road to righteousness and arrogance is a parallel road that can intersect each other several times throughout a person’s life. It’s often hard to recognize one road from another. What makes them different is the road to righteousness is paved with the love of humanity. The road to arrogance is paved with the love of self.” Shannon Alder
“There are no coincidences in life. What person that wandered in and out of your life was there for some purpose, even if they caused you harm. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense the short periods of time we get with people, or the outcomes from their choices. However, if you turn it over to God he promises that you will see the big picture in the hereafter. Nothing is too small to be a mistake.” Shannon Alder
“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” Shannon Alder
“Reputation is what others think of us; character is what God knows of us.”